I forgive myself (weird girl)

 I've always been a girl

that tried so hard to be good 

At the detriment to my own self

Tuned in to other's frequencies

Desires and needs 

Fixing problems 

like my dad puttied the walls 

I would memorize the noises of my house 

I would hold my hands out in front of me

And imagine them bigger 

Older

harder 

I was the weird girl 

who lit candles in her room 

and wrote poems.

I would ask boys if they wanted to fuck

Because I thought they'd think I was cool 

Never fully comprehending the weight of those words

The betrayal I promised my body

My whole life, I was begging to be chosen.

A giant script of desperation.

Craving, validation

Just wanting to be the one

and the saddest part is that my feelings never mattered to me 

Because I never was allowed to have a choice.

Pattern of rejection.

 Imprinted by women, I never knew

Abused by men I never met 

Bestowed upon innocence 

Sometimes I remember the sounds of them crying.

Cursing their lives.

Ringing tears out of handkerchiefs.

Clutching pearls against their tongues 

Brushing the crumbs off their bare feet

As they walk through a messy kitchen. 

Rubbing every lamp

Desperate for one wish 

Choose me 

Pick me

See me 

And let it be enough 

In any state 

shape 

demeanor 

One day, someone will hold me 

in their arms and I won't even 

remember writing this

One day I will stop holding my hands out in front of me.

And imagining them little  

smaller 

softer 

One day I will be enough 

The weird girl 

that lights candles in her room

And writes poetry.