Lacklustre

I suffer no shortage 

of suitors,

professing their desires 

but they only give me words 

that wither in my hands 

no good 

no good

a deed is only done 

when it dies.  

when it ceases to yearn. 

The cooling of a craving. 

The end of a long anticipation. 

You can make promises, 

be gentle with my wick

but you will never make me burn

not with passive aggressive 

could've 

would've 

literary vomit 

I'll flush it 

I'll chuck it 

drowned it in the river 

it's no good 

no good 

show me 

and maybe you can have me 

maybe you can chop this wood. 

Written October 2nd 2016

Some. Things. Hurt.

 Excuse me sir 
I let you in my shell 
my pearl was in your hand 
that precious part 
A fragile microphone stand 
that cuts out if you don't know it fully 
if you don't understand 
I wanted to learn your stairs 
avoid the squeaky places 
for my toes to dance without disruption 
for my frame to move about without weight 
without lead 
for my presence to be cloaked 
your body my blanket 
and my light to be full
reunited with its sibling 
with its twin 
its source 
I wanted to be whole again 
I wanted to be important 
a pearl on the neck of someone extraordinary 
in the hands of someone 
like you.....

Written September 23rd 2016

noise and meat

That dog 

is nipping at my heels again 

why do I always 

let the wrong men in?

A silly girl 

can't swim without a fin  

I'm at the bottom of the tank 

in a freshly dug hole 

keep those monsters at bay 

with bread crumbs and cheap wine 

but we both know 

I have no spine 

and I will cry myself to sleep 

I will lay under soil 

just noise 

just meat

Written September 13th 2016

Nightmares

I will die in this house 

my childhood home 

alone with the ghosts 

the debts and regrets 

holding a phone 

obsolete like me

curled up 

in the washing machine

I should know you can't hear me scream 

I let someone die once

And I lost my mind

I thought she'd come home

If I baked an apple pie

But now I know 

I'll die alone

In my childhood home
Holding a phone
Obsolete like me. 

Written September 13th 2016

Grapevine

The grapevine

Your lips graze mine

a goldmine

Dig deep

There's a heartbeat

My head fits nicely 

underneath your chin

So politely 

Just right

And we move to our rhythm 

It's always hidden

But in plain sight

I always knew. 

You were real

True

Red, white and blue

A song I never knew 

Intel I looked at you 

And just like that the world made sense

Notes came back

Beats grew intense 

And this static can overwhelm 

It can hurt so good

My hips pressed up against yours

An egg in a nest

My face resting on your chest

Kissing your smoke

Your love so thick

I'm your ice cream

Take a lick

Falling for you 

Feels like this....

A slow,

Soft

Grapevine kiss. 

Written September 9th 2016

Tegaru

I chose you as a child

But as I grew into a woman,

I rebelled

My mother taught me

How to stir the pot

How to cut with words

How to turn it off

Sometimes it takes losing 

To win perspective 

Sometimes it takes losing

To discover your powers

My love has been elusive 

Wearing an invisibility cloak 

But please don't ever believe my heat

My vulture screech 

My desperatation dance

Because it always echoes back

It always chooses you

A child at heart

A lemon meringue pie

Awkward and love struck

Camera anchored at the neck

Chasing you 

With no luck 

Written August 18th 2016

Retraction/miscommunication

I wonder if you read these poems

if you see

if you know 

I'm told,

"you're strong"

settle down

sleep it off 

wait it out 

wash it down 

BUT

can you not see

the immense hatred 

I hold for me?

meet me in a hotel 

fuck me satisfied 

and kill me with your hands 

and bury me in sand 

I cannot feel a thing 

but I wear your bracelet 

and your ring 

and if we should meet again 

I will hold my truth 

and I will gift it to you 

you said you wanted to know me 

Do you still?

here I am love,

here I am

broken and little 

missing my friend.....

Written August 11th 2016

Settle down (911)

I walk with a sadness slump 

but when I see your ghost,

my head snaps up 

it's never you

just a dumpster 

just a church 

just an empty restaurant booth

I had accepted from an early age,

that I would one day 

take my own life 

I gave birth to this end 

and it grew strong with my milk 

but I may have created a monster 

I cannot control

Like a canoe in a waterfall 

maybe you were right after all 

maybe no one will love me 

this is a 911 call

Written August 11th 2016

Purpose

Salt on the wound 

that's what you do 

a twist of the guts 

like a hook in a fish 

you're too scared to break the surface 

so you drowned 

In that shit. 

Written July 2016

Word vomit

I am a ghost 

A Shell on wheels 

I walk through walls 

my heart is steel 

I feel no pity for you 

my dear 

and there is no place for me 

not here 

I move in circles

I am the headlight 

not the deer 

I can't see the stars 

all I see is black 

at night 

A tunnel with no light 

I pace in fear 

a grave dug just for me 

it's a trust game 

just turn around and fall back

I can't be that woman

I am this 

not that

Written 2016

Found object/sadness statue

Sometimes I feel like a storm 

isolated and cold 

yet oddly warm

Like I'm going to explode 

like I need a hand to hold 

a body to weigh me down 

Lying facedown on the boulevard 

like a corpse 

ants crawling up my legs 

but I don't dare move 

my sadness stills me 

I am a statue of melancholy 

An artwork of misery 

someone needs to bury me 

I can make a wall very pretty 

I can make a man very happy 

I could 

I could 

I could

Written July 2016

Some days (mourning 2 men)

Sometimes I forget you're not here

and I call out your name

Sometimes I remember you're gone

and I speak to your silence

all the same

Some days I realize

you and I will never be

like a tempest rolling through

our connection is chaotic and cloudy

and the eye of the storm can only last so long

she can only be still,

when a t rex is near.

Some days I cocoon myself in our façade.

Some days I can play the fool

on our big screen,

Some days the role is home

I can be that brand of crazy

I can be a lobster in a pot

singing as I cook

for there's a tune for every occasion

even foreign heartbreak

even green card blues.

 

written July 23rd 2016

 

Welcome home whore

I pulled the trigger

And I dropped you dead

Like a pancake flip gone wrong

And the floor becomes a home

And my weightlessness is dissipating

As I pack your suitcase with words you'll never hear

A death notice

A thank you card

The romance novel, we lived

Our roots entangled 

Our branches entwined 

Our leaves so familiar,

They resemble the other 

I mistake you for me

Because we are the same

A bonfire in the rain

Defying nature

Forgiveness smoulders 

But ashes remain.

Written July 13th 2016

Good girl

I can mirror photographs

I can stand in the exact same place

I can repeat the words we once spoke

I can sit in the shadow of this big house 

I can hold it's secrets on the tip of my tongue 

I can press my knees up against my chest

And it feels like a real hug

I can be a good girl, Daddy

I really can

But I will not be a hole for some random man

Plant a rose in me instead

And I can promise the thorns will never scar you

And the petals will be waxy and so so sweet

Because good girls never lie

And good girls never cheat. 

Written April 10th 2016

shopping cart dump

Wrap me in a blanket

be my mother

a cocoon,

the safety of silk,

the comfort of milk,

hands and pressure and sweat

a loose hair,

a stray duckling,

no one cared enough to look back

and steer me clear

from destruction.

I am a grown up now

be my friend,

shake my shoulders,

remember, you were once important

even that shopping cart in the river

served a purpose,

had a brief moment

in the sun.

 

written April 10th 2016

Cookie soup

Why do I always come back to this place?

A bag of cookies in a puddle

Too sloggy to enjoy on any level

Just make a soup with your rubber boot

Just burn me out

I will fade away

My mouth is exploding with vowels, with sounds,

With hope

But the world is suddenly silent

Dead, like my childhood pets

Just skeletons in the dirt

Cockroaches crawling up my skirt

Which my hysterical dance does nothing to stop

I think it drives them, excites them

Gives them life

Being this way scared me so,

That I gave birth to my own demise

I killed myself 

With expectations

They never let you live

You never get away 

My heart is medium rare

I smear blood everywhere 

A forensic nightmare

Too messy to love

But too tired to care. 

Written March 26th 2016

Untitled

I want to feel the weight of a man behind me

I want to feel the heat of breath on the back of my neck

I want to feel teeth drag the length of my exposed skin

Trailing down to my shoulders, collar bone and breast

I want to feel a mouth explore my soft skin 

The type of kiss that makes you gasp

Inhale with no exhale

A sensation that freezes all thought 

Insecurities forgotten, the fear of perfection dead

Take this wallflower to town

She just wants to be known. 

Journal entry from March 28th 2016

Die Fly

i loved you first

And you won't let me take it back

I have no receipt to tuck in my belt

No crown upon this head

Once upon a time, my love

I would have slayed a beast

I was a warrior for you 

Such a conquest

Such a trial

Such a shame

Just the ends of the bread

Left in this bag

Just the shell, no pearl, no butter

She adorns a neck somewhere 

But screaming her name 

To the blackened star bleached night

Won't bring her back

Chaos is like a fly 

It loves the light

it wants to die. 

Written March 20 something 2016

Playdoh love

A clean piece

Of land

Claim it

Tame it

Have faith the crops will grow

I have no scarecrow

Just my fleshy skeleton

A heart of playdoh 

But I can slip

Into something more comfortable 

I can change

My form

My shape

I can be what he needs

I can waste my life

Can you say the same?

A forgotten field

A dead desperate tree

Burn it

Kill it

But have faith 

Those crops will grow. 

Written Feb 5 2016