Be a mirror/Sylvia

Be good

Be sweet 

But don't you dare 

tell the truths 

others can't face

Be smart

clench your teeth 

and push push, push, 

but don't you dare believe 

you're wise

Master something 

but never change your mind

What you pick 

is what you stick with 

your whole life

Be the captain 

and steer the ship 

but never make your mother 

feel inadequate

Let her moods 

her energy, 

her world 

run the show

Stay in the shadows

quiet like a mouse 

collecting the tears

She leaves in a row

Be true to yourself

But don't you dare be messy

showing signs of pain

gets you labeled 

crazy crazy crazy

Be a girl

be a woman

but never be all you need

Follow the path forged by the past

Youre not permitted to leave 

this blood line 

This envious maternal coven 

No man will ever love you Sylvia

you'll end up with 

Your head in the oven

Smarty pants

 I can't recall a compliment 

From my mother 

Not a single one 

And that realization 

May be the biggest 

Heart break of my life 

No wonder 

I never think im good enough

I was starved from the beginning 

Good thing my roots are tough 

My branches gracefully 

Reach for your hand 

You may have shot me down 

But I danced my way to the ground 

Like a dying leaf at the end of the line 

A ballerina with no desire 

To perform for your applause 

To wear your heavy crown 

Brer Rabbit (my alien abduction)

Little me spilt the beans  

Showed me the truth

While I sat with her 

I hope he plays the guitar 

Like my dad 

But hes patient and gentle 

And has a cool car

 like my father 

I hope my body can learn to trust 

And open up like a flower 

I hope the shame he left me with 

Can be dropped like a shawl 

Lost on a walk 

Or forgotten on the seat for the cab driver.

No more replacing all I left behind 

Time for new people 

New feelings 

Real desire 

Im not in that room with the carpet 

Im.not waiting for the shadow at the door 

But I do still look for the tar baby 

And ill keep my cassette player 

Just for that 

Playtime

 

Ive always put my eggs in one basket 

And watched in horror as they break 

Handed you my everything at once 

A committed fool 

A desperate dolly

But all or nothing can be 

hollow and lonely 

I need to learn to live in slices 

A piece of each part of myself 

A dedicated cut 

Friends that float like ghosts in sheets 

Here when they need solace 

But disappear during my darkness nights 

The battles I've faced with no one 

The tears that fell through the void 

I chase my sister as she vanishes in the mist 

And I hold out my hand 

But grasps only air

Only mud 

Sisterhood is a mystery that invades me 

How to share and take and love 

How to be vulnerable

On a one way street 

How to trust if someone offers 

When my thumb out 

skirt hiked up 

Can make someone turn

And look my way.

444 (who knew)

 Who knew

A kiss thru the car window 

Could start the bad boy addiction 

Watering myself down 

So the fires i start 

dont burn 

me to the ground 

Its tragic to fear your own power 

To the point of self sacrifice

But these ashes aren't heavy 

They move with grace 

And clear up space

With a soft blow 

Like the memory of your mouth 

Being held as I fell 

And it's true you live rent free in my head 

But its the least I can do 

Its the candle light vigil 

That brings the lost souls home 

Its the seance that insures

You stay with me forever 

Paused perfection

I can't help 

But picture it 

Our perfection 

Like a secret only we knew 

Your beautiful grin

My ski slope nose 

The sounds we made 

When we were fully engaged 

In bloom 

Ripe in season 

My love for you

Pours from my pores 

And fills a clawfoot bathtub 

Can I trade for one more moment 

One more moment 

Of feeling like yours 

I never stopped believing 

You'd find your way back 

My hand is still stretched back 

Looking for yours

Black out

 We both know how this ends 

As hard as we try

The detective in me 

always clocks back in 

Following the clues 

The hints that scream 

Im in this alone 

This blackout maze that I feel my way through 

Believing you're right behind me

Or right in front of my face

A reach back away 

Finger tips grazing 

Just out of grasp

A room full of potential

Only I didn't see 

instead of ours 

It was always me

A Phoenix standing tall 

Wearing rose colored glasses 

Walking home in solitude 

One foot in front of the other 

Telling herself one day she's won't look back 

One day she won't be 

A pillar of salt

Worst (walk away)

 It's the worst 

When the things you were the surest of

Fall apart 

Walk away without turning around 

Burn to the ground 

Don't make a sound 

As you disappear 

In the dark 

Shopping carts in the wild

 My presence leaves a trail 

The flat patch on my lawn 

Shadows cast 

My children laugh

The stains I bled that never cleaned

Ownership is powerful 

My ego is a puppy 

Crawling under shopping carts

Fooling kind strangers with those eyes 

But the truth is 

Shes comfortable

Like a junkie with options 

And I see through her tears 

Change is forboding and 

Most run for the hills 

Hiding in the past

That wraps rocks around their limbs 

And drags them down fast

And keeps them prisoners

Shopping carts lost in the wild 

I dont need an exorcism

There's someone out there

That wants to learn me 

Break down my walls

And call me home 

Even when the roof leaks 

Or the floors creak 

Or the ghosts move things around

Conversation with my higher self

 I don't know what happened.

Why he left,

Why he's gone 

You were doing the work 

He wasn't

He was overwhelmed and burnt out 

But he matured so much since being with me 

I saw him change 

I watched him grow 

but i saw him struggling

i wanted to understand and help

i wanted a change to be a good partner 

by fulfilling his needs

but he wouldn't let me in

he just became more distant

and that made me close up

like a rose bud at night  

He wasn't being honest with himself 

He was holding back

Giving you what he thought he should 

instead of how he truly felt

His inner child is still wounded 

He doesn't know how to ask for what he needs 

He was scared to lose you so he wore a mask

he finds his purpose in helping

and he felt like he was messing up again and again

But I felt so seen 

So safe 

So loved by him

i love his endearing quirks and flaws 

Sweet girl, 

He doesn't love himself 

But I thought we could heal together 

I opened up about all my pain 

I cried in his arms 

He told me it would be okay 

he promised

He was giving you everything he had 

But his cup was empty 

He put your oxygen mask on first

And didn't believe him deserved his 

Sometimes love isn't enough 

I feel so stupid for trusting him

For being so messy with emotion 

For letting myself be unflattering and unkempt

For being weak and vulnerable

For allowing myself to leave my job 

And letting him take care of me 

He said he wanted to marry me

I believed him 

I'm so proud of you 

For trusting love again

For being your authentic self 

And taking a gamble on giving away your heart 

for allowing someone to care for you

you've neglected your needs for too long

you were burnt out and broken

he gave you a beautiful gift

time to be still

You've been hurt many times 

You're not letting that pain turn you cold or bitter 

Never shame your beautiful heart for caring 

But I thought id be able to talk to him 

I thought there would be more time 

I wasn't ready to talk that day

I was hurt

I felt abandoned and foolish and thrown away 

I didn't mean to end it

He took my words the wrong way

Let his fear make up a story in his head

we promised not to break up over text

I just wanted time like he needed and I gave him 

Why don't I deserve time?

why did that moment change his mind? 

Forgive yourself

Use this as a lesson to learn 

You can make mistakes 

You acted in the moment 

Based on how you felt

Own those feelings 

Don't apologize for them 

take accountability for your part

but leave the rest

what did you learn about yourself?

Real love compromises 

It bends and sways with the breeze 

It gives as much as it takes 

I need to stop holding on to the past

it muddies up my present

stop living in a state of fear and scarcity

let go trying to control the things around me

I need to own my feelings

instead of giving others what is easier

stop people pleasing

stop trying to fix other people's problems

i need to not be consumed in my own pain

i need to look closer

But I lost him 

He's gone

I hate myself 

none of it matters anymore

You have yourself

Pour that love into you 

Comfort yourself 

Soothe yourself

You cannot control what he does

Or if he'll stay 

Stay present within your body 

take this new information and carry it forward

But I love him 

Then love him

Why does that have to change 

Love is unconditional 

Hold it within yourself 

Be happy for him 

Even if it's not you he chooses. 

I see signs of him every where 

Things that remind me of him...

Of us 

And it kills me

He does too

And he hurts just as bad 

He leaves every day 

He has a new life

I feel like I meant nothing 

Like none of it was real 

We all grieve in our own way

In our own time 

Focus on your own healing 

On picking up your pieces

And building yourself back up 

He's going to replace me 

And ill just be alone 

He can never replace you

You were his first love

You made him feel things no one else had

And nothing can ever replicate, that.

Hold on to those memories.

They live inside your heart.

And you can access them whenever you want. 

And he can do the same

He might move on and open his heart again

But what you had was unique 

It will never be forgotten 

What about me?

Take your time

Sit with these emotions

They will come in waves 

Soft at times and rocky at others 

They will pop up when you least expect it

When you think you're finally sailed past the storm 

Time will soften the edges like sea glass in the ocean

Find your joy

Heal your body

Be gentle with yourself 

No feeling lasts forever 

And feelings are not facts 

They shift like the current 

Be curious and then let them float down the stream 

But I'm finally feeling like myself again 

I hate that this happened as I was feeling better 

My energy is back

My sex drive is back 

We had the whole summer to enjoy 

A life to live together

We're still the same people

How can he love me one day and not the next?

Just focus on the present

Don't worry about the future or the past 

Stillness brings clarity

What is meant to be, will be 

Maybe this isn't the end

Maybe there are more chapters to your story 

But only time will tell. 

Don't chase him

Allow him space to process and grow 

And be supportive of that growth

Even if it means it takes him down another path 

I don't know if I can 

You can

Just keep breathing 

Keep learning

Keep opening up your heart 

It will all make sense one day 

You are resilient.

You are breaking cycles.

You're looking your shadow in the face 

And not flinching

You are learning to forgive yourself for choosing yourself

You are not asking for permission to exist anymore. 

You are exactly where you need to be.

How do you know all this?

Because I am you

 I'm your higher self

And every day we get closer to being one

Keep growing Tess. 

You deserve good things

And the best is yet to come.

4 years (closure)

Starting over is such a foreign concept

And yet it's a worn in pair of jeans 

kept in the closet till they fit again.

A bike you haven't rode since high-school 

I'm reminded of you every day.

Each time feels like a razor 

drag across the flesh 

A cigarette burn into the bone 

A whip striking the skin of my heart 

You say nothing 

You leave for your day and stay away 

Like you never belonged with us 

Sometimes i think I made you up. 

I spend hours fantasizing about your return

Throwing rocks on my window

Movie scene style 

I open the door 

and we burst into savage love making....

Or

You Message that you're finally ready to talk.

And when we do 

you tell me that you need more 

 That what we had wasn't enough anymore

So I hold you 

and tell you I'm broken 

but ill heal in time and be happy for you....

Or

You walk by while I'm smoking at night 

I ask you to join 

and we catch up and laugh 

Play connections 

And feel hopeful about being friends.....

Honestly, any of those options is appealing

Because at least I would know 

How you feel 

What you want 

How to move forward 

Then I wouldnt be scared to ground outside

Or walk to my car after lunch

I wouldn't hold my breath 

Everytime I pull into the bay 

Or flinch at every red car 

I wouldn't stay up at night listening 

For the sound of the key in the door.

Silence is the most treacherous torture.

If you ever really loved me.

How could you kill me like this? 

How can you say nothing

To the woman you said you loved? 

Hot potato

Everyone says that you'll come back one day

But I know you won't

Some things you just don't come back from

This move was a bullet.

You don't come back after a bullet.

All that's left is the red stain on the wall

Statistically, it'll take me 6 months to clean it.

But I heal slower than most,

My curse is that I hold on far too long.

I foolishly believe in grand gestures,

And romantic melancholy 

This is my comfort zone 

The longing, yearning, chasing 

I'm addicted to hope 

when I hold someone in my hands.

I have no idea what to do with them.

I juggle them awkward 

And never dare enjoy myself.

Problem is they never know 

how truly happy I am 

Self love/Tough pill

I watch Disney movies 

I soak in long bathes 

I get high 

And make myself laugh 

I have fun with my body

My sex drive is back 

I wear fake lashes

I work on what I lack 

Some nights I cry 

Some I just sit 

In my bedroom

With candles lit 

I talk to my feelings 

I help sort them out 

I dont judge myself for laughing 

Or the moments I pout 

Self love is a practice

It's a hard pill to take 

But I am my own best friend 

My life is mine to make 

I can't control who loves me

Or who will want to stay 

I can only hold myself steady

In the most gentlist of ways 

Bunnies in a storm

Welcome to the loneliness era 

of my life 

Feel free to sit in the sulk with me 

Wade in the weariness 

Frolic in the fever fits of woe 

It's nearly impossible 

to not blame myself 

Coping mechanisms 

are a bitch to break 

Is this what you really wanted 

Or are you too scared 

or ashamed to come home?

Follow the bread crumbs 

I'll tattoo them on my skin

So they can never go missing

Like a phone in a snowstorm 

Hidden under the blowing glitter

Making you feel like it's over 

An avalanche of defeat

One day ill stop writing about you 

But tonight I sit with the loss 

I dance with your ghost 

I pray for your healing 

And I remember times 

when I calmed you 

And held you and made you feel safe 

I hope one day you see what I see 

I hope one day you come back to me 

Mid season (return basket)

Limerence is my specialty

Gold medal in cognant dissonance

My inner child graduated with a master's 

In toxic empathy 

An accomplished codependent martyr 

I talk to myself too much now 

Although the silence is growing on me 

That early akward phase is over 

But sometimes it's too heavy so I talk to you Like you're still here 

I'd recognize your writing anywhere 

The fancy swoops and loops 

But everytime a bomb hits my heart 

I Soothe it with a happy memory

Or a mundate one that touched me harder than most 

The simple little things I miss 

My love is mine to hold 

It does not need reciprocation.

Validation 

Confrontation 

It lives deep within and I feed it hope 

I find solace knowing you can never take it from me 

Even if you hate me 

Enough to start a new life 

And I know that deep down you'll never forget me

As far as you run

As fake as you are 

But I'm sad that I never truly knew you 

The man I loved was a role you played 

In a series that was abruptly canceled

Mid season 

The words we spoke,

once priceless 

Now feel cheap and secondhand 

And when I'm hurting bad 

It's hard not to question they're authenticy

Was it ever real? 

Did you ever love me? 

Or is it exactly what I feared?

Convenience and desperation

Sitting in the returns basket 

Wondering where you went and why.

I forgive myself (weird girl)

 I've always been a girl

that tried so hard to be good 

At the detriment to my own self

Tuned in to other's frequencies

Desires and needs 

Fixing problems 

like my dad puttied the walls 

I would memorize the noises of my house 

I would hold my hands out in front of me

And imagine them bigger 

Older

harder 

I was the weird girl 

who lit candles in her room 

and wrote poems.

I would ask boys if they wanted to fuck

Because I thought they'd think I was cool 

Never fully comprehending the weight of those words

The betrayal I promised my body

My whole life, I was begging to be chosen.

A giant script of desperation.

Craving, validation

Just wanting to be the one

and the saddest part is that my feelings never mattered to me 

Because I never was allowed to have a choice.

Pattern of rejection.

 Imprinted by women, I never knew

Abused by men I never met 

Bestowed upon innocence 

Sometimes I remember the sounds of them crying.

Cursing their lives.

Ringing tears out of handkerchiefs.

Clutching pearls against their tongues 

Brushing the crumbs off their bare feet

As they walk through a messy kitchen. 

Rubbing every lamp

Desperate for one wish 

Choose me 

Pick me

See me 

And let it be enough 

In any state 

shape 

demeanor 

One day, someone will hold me 

in their arms and I won't even 

remember writing this

One day I will stop holding my hands out in front of me.

And imagining them little  

smaller 

softer 

One day I will be enough 

The weird girl 

that lights candles in her room

And writes poetry.

Nobodys Girl

 Im a strong woman 

So its ok to leave me 

A vampire coaxed out of the shadows 

Only to be exposed to the light 

As she reveals herself 

stark and raw 

The uttermost 

unflattering 

version of me 

My naked bones

With innocence 

still clinging to my core 

A baby flicker

In a hollow ribcage

A glow that entices pests 

Like the mosquito zapper 

In my grandparents camper 

I understand the root of why this happened 

I remember our agreement 

But it doesn't make it hurt less

A door slamming in the face 

Sudden amnesia

Im a ghost to you 

But you feel like a missing limb 

You feel like a aneurysm

Like waking from a coma in another decade 

The Titanic iceberg 

And I mourn everything I didn't know 

I was saying goodbye to 

The last of everything......

I'll never be your girl again 

Those words choke on my tongue 

Tighten my chest

Lock up my jaw 

Make me call out your name 

But I'll be a strong woman 

So it's ok to leave me 

Pen pal

Watching you walk away 

is like standing in front of a burning house 

Hands in my pocket 

Weights in my shoes 

I should be screaming for help 

I should be trying 

But sometimes houses need to burn to the ground 

If we both stop steering the ship.

Does the universe save us?

Or do we float out into oblivion

Pass the point of no return.

I keep expecting you to leave me a letter 

I check my mailbox obsessively 

Im not sure why 

My heart tries to tell my intuition better 

But she's stubborn like you

She's set in her ways 

Convinced life can be like a movie 

Summer Solstice

 My poems probably make you angry but

Mourning is a messy journey 

One moment my chest is a shattered windshield 

With a broken wiper smearing my heart juice 

The next I'm dancing sexy in the shower 

And belting out ace of base in the car 

You back your car in now 

Thats the only difference between you 

And my man 

But twice you parked it like him

And I think that was worse because the hope that still lives in my heart 

Screamed he's home 

And I sat waiting to hear you come in 

Punishable offense

You said I didn't choose you 

But you never made myself a choice

Your compliance and manners 

Made you a personified trap 

I was arrested for what I was given permission to do 

You say I didn't choose you. 

Did you stand on the chopping block 

And say me or him? 

Or did you play a good guy

And just pretend to be my partner?

Say the things you thought you should say 

Like a movie script 

Denying your truth 

Did you set me up to fail 

When i came to you open and real?

Asking you 

was choosing you 

Here I thought I was safe to allow myself 

To tap into emotions I had numbed 

So I could feel them 

And release them 

Allowing space to grow closer to you

But the whole time you were testing me 

Amd keeping a score. 

You had me. 

YOU HAD ME. 

And you didn't believe you were worthy. 

So you let me go 

You watered down my growth 

You starved my attempt to connect

You withheld your care and affection 

You stop being mine 

Self sabotage should be a crime. 

A punishable offense. 

Maybe it was really you 

Not choosing you. 

Maybe it had nothing 

to do with me. 

 

Casper

Before we were lovers 

I pulled the lovers card 

For your tarot reading 

The universe Foreshadowing 

And that's the most beautiful thing about us 

We unfolded like a romantic comedy

Like the ones we watched 

Sitting on my bed 

Hands slightly grazing 

Electric zaps 

my fingers 

Slide against yours 

Teenage butterflies

And avoiding your gaze

I fought falling for you 

I didn't want it to be easy 

I wanted to take my time 

Dance with you

Chase and run 

Let my petals slowing open 

To the glow of your light

It's ironic how I never felt so safe

And yet so scared  

I broke down at your feet  

wept all the tears little me bottle up 

I confessed things I dare 

Never tell another soul 

I let my body go limp  

be enveloped

In ecstasy 

I moaned forbidden emotion

Trapped curses

Victorius chants 

I was weary of your volatile temperament

So I would over share

Play the toxic empath

Try to always see you as the little boy 

Playing with his wrestling figurines

In front of his mother's television programs 

And recognize it wasn't you

But the hurt talking

Or walking away 

Leaving me a stranger

hit and run 

A corpse on the sidewalk

A neighbor in the bay

I wish you had let me wade 

deeper Into your water 

Believed you could be loved 

On the bad days

Let your mistakes slip away  

Allowed me to take a share of the load 

So you felt lighter and I felt useful 

Your black to my white

The perfect team 

You would say you hated the men 

That hurt me before

With such fervor 

That never would I have guessed 

You'd be the next

Somehow you turned out to be 

The biggest liar 

The hardest blow 

The atomic bomb 

Casper the friendly ghost 

is a ginger 

But he doesn't haunt 

He hides.