staying alive

Strike three 

The dirt looks 

comatose

So fresh

Half the casket 

Sill exposed 

237 dead days 

Of being on life support 

Said we were worth saving 

He pulled the plug on a 

Sunday morning

We did not survive 

Or did we? 

Hearts still work broken 

Sweetheart

I miss the way your breath 

Felt traveling the length of my spine 

How your hands were soft yet rough 

Like a hard working man with a heart 

The little things that made each day 

Feel they were leading somewhere 

Now they poke me in the gut 

Reminding me you"re gone

A can of soda in the freezer 

A ticking time bomb

Will you forget about me 

Or pull me out just in time 

changing

Its an amazing thing

When you surprise yourself

I thought I was standing still

But turns out I'm miles ahead 

Watching old shows 

With Old crushes 

what was i thinking 

Holy shit I've changed. 

I can stop my ego 

And negotiate.

I can receive flowers

And shine

I can be accepting of feedback 

And graciously apologize

I can let you be right 

When you point out a controlling behavior

I can separate that bad stomach feeling 

That activates when I get attention 

From the gentleman 

that kneels down 

on one knee

Because its not about him 

But the trauma 

saying im not deserving.

Of Holding hands in the car

Kissing on video 

Drawing hearts on his windshield

I can be the woman 

I long to be 

Holy shit 

I'm changing. 

Bigfoot

'Why are you still wearing that mask?'

I ask

'What do you mean?'

He responds

As his fingers fidget around the seams

And he holds out a smile

Trapped In an oil lamp

that barely keeps us warm 

In fact

the elephant 

froze weeks ago 

I don't know 

any other way 

to beg you 

to stay 

To convince you

It's safe 

A buoyed off bay

Safe to remove the shield

Safe to shave off your beard

Safe to fully love me

Our trauma was perfectly mirrored.

I wanted to be loved

As the pure version of myself

You may have taught me 

how to be a ghost

So I haunt you 

like a successful protege. 

But baby I was never scared 

of the monster in you.

I was ready to embrace him

When there was a first sighting

Welcome him into our world

So its a conspiracy theory tragedy.

BIgfoot had nothing to fear

missing him/loving me (Gemini mirror)

I feel like a beautiful rose bush 

Weeping for her lost limbs

Deemed disposable

By alignment

Clipped with karmic shears

Pruned with energetic precision 

Infant buds that struggled to mature

Nurturing them 

Was killing me 

But without them 

I feel the cold breeze cut 

And it leaves me 

Questioning 

Everything in my gut 

They say better things will grow

In the absence of this 

I'm doing my very best

To let it all go 

And see what the universe brings

when it comes in spring

To collect the snow 

But I miss him 

And today i make space 

To embrace that 

The gemini moon 

Mirrors my energy

What no longer serves

Is free to go

What stays is here 

To build and grow 

 

this is the upside down (bonus episode)

Mourning in the morning

Because I get up early now 

Do you think about me when 

You hear our artist's new songs 

Do you think about that Sunday

Did you say everything you needed to say 

Do you wish you hadnt left that way 

Are you happy when you're faraway 

I feel so helpless 

When you're lost in that storm 

And the lightning strikes make you run 

I know your system is overloading 

That voice in your head 

Convincing you 

the end 

is approaching 

I just can't reach you 

In that state 

And you get pulled 

into the twister 

A black hole into the nether 

Swallowed whole 

By a giant alligator

"What happened?' 

they ask when 

They find out you're gone 

I simply shrug 

I bet you dont know how it happened 

In fact I know you don't 

We always miss the same things

In our shows 

end credit

I want to join hands 

with every version of myself

I want us all to reconnect

To embrace each other in a circle

To thank each one for their pivotal role

Their crucial casting

They've all done outstanding 

And I couldn't be prouder.

I'm whole. 

breadcrumbs (goodbye)

I don't know how you 

turn your heart off

Like you do 

But I do know 

what it feels like 

when your heart gets tired

When it feels alone

When it gets sick of hearing 

My Intuition screaming

But curiosity yields 

no information

Just denial with a smile 

Hearts don't run on gas

Mine's been lit for years

And it drains the connection 

Which thrives on truth 

My heart has been starved

All the thoughts, 

and feedback 

She should have been fed

Went to you instead.

Binging on your own emotions

Like an old man alone on his homestead.

I can't do this anymore.

I won't do this anymore 

Picking up breadcrumbs

From the man who delivers bread 

7//11 x3

I loved when you said 

I was killing you 

Licking your fingers 

On the porch swing 

All around the world 

While you"re under my weight 

The look that sparked

In your eyes 

After a number one 

The way I'd make you gulp

strawberry milk

There's so much sadness

In the surrender

I see it so clearly now

As I watch you disappear

Things don't appear closer 

In the rearview mirror 

I know you love me

But you don't know 

what to do with it

I wish I could go back in time

And help that little boy

Learn that his worth 

does not depend

On his ability to be 

perfect.

The way that little me 

realized her worth 

does not depend 

on others staying.

I hope he learns to recognize

Mistakes are how we grow.

And one day we would laugh 

About it 

The way we joke

About the strawberry milk

Or the phone falling

In the snow. 

dragons not dinosaurs

The saddest part is 

I was never mad

I was annoyed

I was concerned

I was scared

I was hurt.

I was disappointed. 

But love still stood behind me

Holding up the umbrella,

So the storm couldn't

Wash away my discernment 

You were mad

At yourself.

The little boy 

Who always fucks up 

And should not deserve space 

Grace 

Or an embrace. 

You may see black,

But I see a million shades of night

Each owning its own plot

unique with it's own story

It's own path

It's own history to be dug up.

I hope you uncover all the bones

You hold in your hands 

And I hope by the end

You know them by name. 

And i wish my love 

You find a way to put them together 

So years from now

I spot them in a museum

Knowing you became the man 

I always knew you were. 

unreleased

I posted old poems

Your insecurities grew

Behind the curtains

And your ego ate you alive 

I watched in slow motion 

As this beautiful thing

We had 

died 

cold feet

How different things would be 

If you expressed your feelings

Had i be given the chance 

to see the wounds form 

I could have dressed them fittingly 

But they fester and seep 

And you toss in your sleep

Leave me with walking bones 

And love so conditional 

It fixates daily 

And I'm left constantly cold 

Even though i was told

I would be kept warm 

Wutherstone Place (333)

If you're an iceberg 

I'm the titanic 

Its karmic lessons 

In motion 

Understand the things that light my fire 

Are memories of my mission 

I chose them as markers 

Pin points in a giant black sky 

A map that I can finally follow

I don't want to be your 

Catherine Earnshaw 

A calculating cruel cunt

The tragic soap opera of the bay 

I remembered our soul bond 

The way It felt to love you 

in our natural state 

Before we brought each other here

Thank you my love 

For giving me so many more kisses 

A second chance to shine 

in the spotlight of intimacy 

Revel in the moment of us 

For being a mirror 

And holding it in place 

Long enough to make me look 

And really believe 

I'm the most beautiful woman

in the world 

untitled

His hands were my favorite part 

How they gazed my territory

Like docile mammals

Like seagulls at the beach 

Scooping up snacks 

Little treasure along my coast 

another shitty day in paradise revised

I can hurt now or I can hurt later

Foolishly I chose the latter 

And now it's upon me like an unwanted guest 

A fruit fly in my Sundae 

One i didn't order 

A tear in my favorite sweater 

The one you kept 

Without mending 

And I won't dare ask for it back

Having it would hurt more than losing it 

I can hurt now or a can hurt later 

Only truth knows how I feel 

Lucille

A feeling is approaching

Quick

Deny it

Destroy it

Act like you dont own it

Bash it in

Till you can no longer

Describe it

Define it

A puddle of jealousy

A seeping sack of hurt

A bloody mess

Of what's inside your chest

That can never be identified,

dribble

Shell shocked 

dazed 

oklahoma born and raised 

a boy with a balloon

a girl with a snowflake

a man with a question 

a woman with a headache 

It hurts to breathe 

with this disease

Baby,

are you listening?

Rusty Cannon

I feel like a scared little girl.

A raped oyster,

Missing its pearl,

A heavy hearted woman

Like a rusty useless cannon

So they put it in a museum 

in reach of bored little children 

to stick their chew to gum 

on my underbelly 

on my sore skin

and they spit mean cruel words 

like bullets 

at my feet

where I lay my head

and so it begins, 

so it begins, 

I don't snap 

I just bend

Saturn return

I never really knew you 

You only took off your mask in the dark 

I kissed a superhero everyday 

But he never let me in 

Instead he held up a mirror 

And I dove in 

He would tell me he'd never leave 

But I could always sense it coming 

Like a stranger approaching 

Disturbing a trap made as a warning 

Tin cans on a string 

Ssshhh saturn is coming 

5:55

I stayed awake all night 

Jaw clenched 

Heart bleeding 

Cat sleeping 

on my head 

Dissecting every syllable

Every word I let slip 

Off my tongue 

My feelings can never be heard 

Because you don't hear your own.

All the time I spent blaming myself 

I call it back home 

I release the tether

I roll away the stone 

And I leave a heart in the dust 

The one you carved out in the snow 

Only a few weeks ago 

When you loved me 

our story

I miss the way you made me feel 

I'm sad because I can't even remember what it felt like 

Its almost as if it never happened 

The outlines are there 

But your movements are blurry 

I lost our script 

And my lines evade me 

But I think it went like this 

There was a time when you were mine

In your bachelor pad

With hippie beads in the doorway 

And perogies on the stove 

And I lectured you about onions 

And solved the stuffed bunny's message 

And we pretended we were married 

While we walked down the grocery store aisles