I dont know what to call this but I miss you

I was oddly attracted 

to your nostrils

The were such a beautiful shape

Sharp yet soft

Like your heart 

an honest confession from a broken heart

I wish you had been 

welcomed 

Into this world

With hands strong enough to hold you 

Instead of empty rooms

Television screens 

And figures that only looked down 

I wish you had been loved 

While that word was still just syllables rolling around your mouth like marbles 

Your own special language

Only a mother understands 

I wish you had been spoken to with pride 

Built up with the truth

You struggle so hard to wear comfortably

Like clothes that are too tight 

Or too itchy

I wish you had more affection

More attention 

More eyes on your heart 

than a highschool class 

frog dissection

Someone to teach you 

You deserve to have your little hands 

Guided in the right direction 

Towards self reflection 

Its ok to make mistakes 

To spill the milk 

Love doesn't change when you disappoint 

It stands firmly beside you 

with grace 

While you slowly stand on your two feet 

After running away 

to that lonely place 

You go when you think 

you're not enough 

It caresses the sting 

It soothes the ego 

The lighthouse that steers 

your ship home 

I wish you had been taught how extraordinary

Your presence feels 

How your touch 

can regulate someones 

Nervous system 

How your weight 

can calm a panicking bird 

How your body 

can teach a weary heart to beat 

How your words are promises 

And the impact of spitting them out 

With no anchor 

Can be the reason the titanic sinks 

I wish you had been loved 

with the force of a thousand hearts 

like mine 

So I could understand 

The fears that pollute your well 

and muddy your mind 

The roots that poisoned this connection 

The origin story 

That made the man I love 

Hate himself so 

I wish you had been loved so tenderly

Meeting me felt like coming home 

And instead of fearing the loss 

To the point of sabotage

You stayed 

And we played

Like the old children we are 

Fun house mirrors 

That show us only the truth 

If we're brave enough to look 

fire inspection ( faulty penguin)

I see your ghost 

At the end of aisle 2

Reaching for the kisses I Blew 

And I would have never knew

That behind the beaming smile 

You were planning 

on running a mile 

In the opposite direction of me 

And that's what makes it hard to see.

That you really loved me 

The push and pull 

The tug o'war 

The confusion that came 

with all the moves you made forward 

Because the second you were in, 

you were out,

After you asked to move in,

Gave me A ring 

A picture of us as a family in a frame.

A donut that said be mine 

And it always happens 

first thing in the morning

While I'm in my housecoat, 

drinking my coffee.

Decompressing

You say you don't wanna fight.

Then, proceed to burst in

Severing our connection 

in a fit of panic and anxiety 

like the house is on fire 

and you're scrambling to gather 

your favorite belongings. 

And I watch like a neighbor 

Unbothered by the flames

I don't feel the heat 

that makes you unable to take a seat

If you'd only be able to tell me 

what you were feeling, 

it would be such a treat

Because it's hard to believe 

you actually wanted to leave

But maybe it was only me 

that was enjoying 

The growth

The involving 

The new roots 

breaking thru the toxic soil 

Of the past 

And the trauma 

That kept me trapped 

From becoming a woman,

I desperately wanted to be

Not for you

But for me 

Showing affection

Accepting attention

Laughing and dancing,

Being in love 

And not hiding my feelings

So I'm Left in a burning house

That took five years to build

Looking for the flames.

That drove you insane,

A Nihilist Penguin

Ghostbusters

I need to make peace 

with the silence 

The stillness 

The stones

I need to make a home 

A coven 

Protection

Within these bones 

I want to welcome 

abundance

Of all forms 

I met the woman I wanted to be 

She stood behind the mirror

And she danced with me 

Look at what we can be 

Blowing kisses from the aisle 

Not at all hiding the smile 

Reveling in the joys 

of being in love 

She became me 

And now we both see 

Showing happiness can be safe 

Even if it make him change 

He carried the fear for free

And it consumed him completely

He might know how to ghost 

But no one haunts better than me 

Unintentionally 

everything to nothing (silver ship)

I was loved 

so tremendously

It became nothing 

Collapsed on itself

Like a wormhole

I hope he remembers 

how my hands 

felt In his 

How i licked my favorite spots 

I hope he feels me at night

While he watches the moon from his truck 

I hope I surface through the noise 

He overdoses in 

Amd he thinks of me 

When he needs to stay calm 

A lighthouse 

An anchor

An eternal open palm 

A widow at the window 

Calling the lost sailor home 

midnight party (item list complete)

I don't know why I thought

You'd crack 

I underestimate 

your tact

The ice that coats 

your back 

Like quills 

Its not about what we lack 

Its how we struggle 

with our scars 

How we carry 

what isnt ours 

Why i feel guilty 

for being seen 

And you think you know 

what that means 

But it isnt yours to 

help wipe clean 

Letting others do their work is hard 

Especially if you see 

the missing part 

The piece of the puzzle 

That fell under the table 

And the others are just 

jammed together 

In an effort to seem like 

everything's better 

But the picture is only distorted

Its little me having anxiety 

over building the fort 

Because after everything 

It doesn't last 

Eventually it gets put back 

And we lie in our beds 

With our hands on our heads 

Missing what we built 

What we had 

What we willingly broke down 

Like nothing ever happened

The world seems the same 

A natural disaster cleaned up.

But the earth still holds the pain

It bubbles up when it rains

Oh how I miss you some days

But something needed to change

And the hardest part is 

you're still in range

The new you 

Blasting angry beats

Wearing dark hoodies

Darting on your feet

Like an outsider on our street

I don't know this version

But I hope if we ever do meet

You smile for no reason

I hope you melt with the season

I wish only the best for the best 

It may seems impossible 

But you can beat this test

The living lettuce

Was the last item needed

And you succeeded. 

So you're on to your next level 

But I can stay sitting on your shoulder

The angel to your devil

the midnight party in your heart 

The limb you can still feel 

Even when we're apart

And I can love you forever 

Because that's the easy part

bad girl (sugar lips)

When i was little 

I took a jellybean 

from a stranger 

Stained my tongue 

black 

With shame 

Dizzy with innocence 

Dumb with sugar lips

The good girl 

Doing the right things

Wearing the gold stars 

For pleasuring a grown man 

Smack me on the back of the head 

Watch that posion fly out of me 

Easter prayer

I am what men want 

But do not have 

the capacity to hold

So like a butterfly in a net

I flutter to make them feel safe 

prisoners of their insecurity

Chained by their inability 

to see their worth 

The gold they hold in their hands 

Falls down the cracks

And togther we dance 

in this Hell

This slow stunted cage 

That drains us of blood

And leaves us attacking eachother 

I don't want to be a sad girl anymore.

I want to love openly 

With arms big enough 

To hold all of me 

I sit with every scary scenario

Parading in front of me 

Like drunk Dumbo 

All the possibilities

All the loss 

I've let love go before 

And withered at the window

waiting for its return 

I have nothing left

To let you consume

No bait to bring you home

Just confusion 

Just concern 

Pure heart puree spread on rye toast

Today the day of miracles

I pray my soul can learn to love again 

Rise up from the tomb

Roll away the stone love 

help me bury these bones 

These beautiful reminders

That together we can grow 

peaceful Saturday

A Saturday morning 

Crying into my coffee 

Because there's so much beauty 

In the lessons at my feet

If Synchronicity had a face

It would be marilyn monroe's 

And despite everything

I am so grateful 

for what the universe had to take 

An observer of a classic ballet

The delicate tip of the toe  

And the strength that lives inside 

Like a trojan horse 

My purpose requires sacrifice

But its coming together

Like a parade in the street

And I watch it 

Finally standing straight

With my hands warm in my pockets 

my face looking up at the sun 

Not every poem has to rhyme 

Not every poem has to be for someone 

Sometimes the dust settles 

Around the reflection in the mirror

And for a moment

We see who we are 

And we greet ourselves 

with unconditional love 

I am almost home 

I am almost at peace 

Black

I think its time to let you go 

Sitting on the back step 

Ritual in place 

I attempted to conjure you 

Tonight

Beside the burning bush 

Where you appeared before 

I offered up an eruption of tears

And the ashes of my joint 

For one more moment with you

But I was left with spring sadness 

Snow covered stains of defeat 

Hope bleed out of the horizon  

No sightings of your ghost 

Under this full moon in Libra 

I release my connection to you 

I want to apologize for not saying 

I love you back on the phone 

That was my old pattern 

And for my sick joking 

about this was not your home

It was incredibly insensitive 

You were everything 

I wanted you to be 

You just weren't ready for me 

I wish you always the best 

Remember to rest

And keep braving the test 

One day this will all make sense 

Black 

I give up

My magic cant bring you back 

TIME TURNER

The eternal optimist in me 

never dies

Kind of blows my mind 

the way she keeps this hope alive 

If we made a voodoo doll of you 

She'd hold it gently at night 

Spooned in the glow of her curves 

Tucked in a tender pocket of our heart 

She'd give you all the patience 

in the world 

If would soothe the storm inside 

Sing you lullabies 

Run fingers through your hair 

And tell you to come home

there are no monsters to fear  

I hope you let yourself be happy 

I hope you dont let her down 

Because she burns bright 

Like a light house in the night 

Her curtain is never drawn

Foreshadow

I miss you today 

But this is what you wanted 

And I'm beginning to accept

I"ll never know why 

Who you were to me 

Maybe never existed

Outside this bubble we made 

The firmament above us 

Ive had my heart broke before 

Lived in an empty nest 

Surrounded by less than I thought I had 

But the silence you paint 

Really takes the cake 

Did I ever even know who you are? 

I dream about you 

With other women 

Your face somber 

Your heart ice 

But your eyes always burn right into mine 

Like a secret begging to be exposed 

Like a child wanting to be seen

And that's the detail that sticks the most 

The shape that keeps its form

When everything else is fuzzy

Like that day in the kitchen

A few weeks before everything changed

When talking about sharing your feelings.

You looked me right in the eye 

and said "I cant" 

And I just wasn't paying attention 

To the weight of that admission  

The cost of your love 

Reading between the lines 

Decoding the meaning 

It was always there

Foreshadowing 

Casting call

This loss is heavy 

It sits of my chest 

Like an anvil 

It clutches my shoulder 

Like a loyal vulture 

It haunts the rooms in my heart 

Like a childhood toy

I can't quite remember 

But can't forget 

Your name echoes 

Each time stabs like a dull dart

I've loved three men

Each worthy in their own skin 

But they fought the connection

Make an exorcism forcing out sin

Bubbling to the surface 

All the trauma attached from kin

Like anchors on our feet

We learned to dance 

Despite the fins 

Maneuvering over machinery

Leaping around the mess 

And smiling through a storm

Became pleasing 

It was when we stood 

in the eye of it

Together 

Face to face

That it became 

Uneasy 

When you would step up on the podium

And the mouth that would kiss me

So passionately

Stayed empty.

You had nothing to say 

The script got tossed away

You retired from the play

moved on to the next project

And I sit in the empty auditorium

Examining the program

Waiting for a standing ovation

That never comes

chapter 4

I stand at the edge 

Of the reality I created 

I dug this grave 

My hands are still dirty 

Feeling like an apple

Examined 

and put back on the shelf 

When all the shiny ones 

are leaving 

I may not be where I want to be 

But theres something here 

Something Delicately hidden 

I survived losing brakes mid drive so

Im choosing to believe 

there's meaning 

In everything falling apart 

In what the universe 

is gradually 

revealing 

Lovers reversed (strawberry daiquiri)

I knew how it ended before 

It was in that tarot card 

I pulled on new years eve....

That day isnt your birthday anymore 

Its just a regular holiday 

For me 

Afterglow

Sitting with you

On the Back door step  

Laughing about how 

the headlights look like faces 

on the cars  

I make intentional finger grazes 

on the smoke we share 

hover longer than I should 

Our bodies are close

Enough to feel the hum 

of our energies syncing 

The neon glow in the sign 

You try so hard to be cool 

But I can burn you with ease 

And I laugh louder than I should 

Crickets and humidity 

with a breeze 

It feels right 

In this Light

This afterglow

What i would do 

to go back to that 

No ego 

No ghosts

No stone walls 

Just hope

And silly looking cars 

conversation with my higher self part 2

Why does everyone always leave? 

I can't go thorough this again 

I feel so blindsighted and discarded

So foolish for believing he was different

Everything you're feeling is valid

Allow it to flow through your veins 

You are so brave 

You have been on a long journey

And heartbreak is part of the path 

But it hasn't hardened you 

There is no ice encasing your heart 

Love is never certain 

It's a gamble we take with another 

And you loved him with everything you had 

Despite the wounds you carry 

You should be proud of that 

I want to let go but I don't know how 

This is how it always goes

He gets overwhelmed and flees

I give him space, and he comes back to me.

But this time its different 

This time he's gone 

And i don't know how to move on 

Its going to be ok sweet girl 

There is no right way to heal a heart 

You love in a profound way 

Not only do you love the person 

but you fall for the potential

You see underneath the mask 

and love the parts they hide 

Because they mirror the hurt in you 

You want to grow together 

and you dedicate yourself to that task 

You give chance after chance 

because you believe in your partner

You don’t give up because thats what you want from another 

The little girl who had to prove herself 

Wants someone to stay

So those fears go away

But self worth is not found that way 

So you're mourning many things at once

And thats overwhelming

Be gentle with yourself 

It may not feel like it

But you ARE overcoming 

It kills to be left in this silence

Where all the what's ifs echo so loud 

After 5 years I deserve a conversation

My best friend, my constant, my world 

Just walked out 

And its all so confusing 

What was really going on 

Inside his head, on his part

Because the last couple months 

Were the best in my heart 

I was opening up and bridging the gap

I was showing affection 

Without that layer of shame 

Making me feel undeserving 

I was accepting and believing compliments

Without denying them away

I was living without the shadow of fear 

Not worrying about the future

Being present in what's real 

It was only getting stronger 

I was emerging from my cocoon

A butterfly for real 

The woman he wanted me to be

The woman he saw under the mask 

The woman I knew I was if I dropped the energic traps 

I carry from others insecurities

Then you did your part 

You grew 

You loved 

The rest is out of your control 

You looked in the mirror he held up 

And you recognized yourself 

Take comfort in that 

Its hard to sit in the truth of who we truly are 

You accept every part 

The light pieces and the dark

The trauma and the innocence 

The wrong and the right 

You learned the art of forgiveness

You allowed yourself to open up

You allowed yourself to accept help.

You allowed yourself to feel love

And believe you deserve it

That is the lesson my love 

And just because he didn't follow you 

Does not mean you failed

He wasn"t ready to look at himself 

But the love you share will remain 

Underneath 

Be thankful for all you gave each other 

because deep down, you know he won't forget you.

First love stains the heart 

Paint the walls inside a permanent shade.

And he will continue decorating and building around that tone 

Your presence 

Your memory 

Your influence

Will live there forever

Your love gave him an incredible foundation.

And what he builds on top of it 

Is now his decision 

The same way he left a mark on your heart

One day you'll be able to smile at the relics 

Remembering the good

letting all the rest fade away.

But What happens now 

In this painful calm

In the unknown dark 

In God's open palm 

I'm afraid 

To be alone 

You feel it 

You cry 

You write 

You sigh

You have heavy days

Downpours and storms 

But you also get rainbows 

And new things start to form 

Everything happens for a reason.

Even if you can't see it 

happening behind the curtain

Live in your authenticity

And watch what new energies come in 

It won't happen overnight.

And that's the hardest part

The waiting for yourself to catch up

But be gentle with your heart

Don't force it 

Don't distract it

Don't avoid it. 

Instead sit with yourself

Look it in the eyes

Do the things you love

Be curious about the feelings that surface

But always forgive yourself

Be confident in your growth

And know somewhere out there

Is someone that matches your frequency

When the dust settles

They'll emerge from the rubble

Happiness awaits on the other side 

of this trouble.

We are only given obstacles

We know we can overcome

Because ultimately, you chose this

And the contract you signed is done 

So you haven't failed anyone 

And it may be hard to hear

But neither has he 

You both perfected the steps to the dance

You were learning

And now it 's time to leave

The bar is closing 

The lights are coming on 

and your eyes are readjusting

And just because he's not 

where are you left him 

Does it mean he didn't learn a lesson

And I know you're uncomfortable 

Because conflict is uncertain 

But deep down, he's hurting.

And learning discernment 

And you have to let him 

That's your part of the agreement 

So hold on to him in your heart

And pray that he eventually plays his part

And grows into the man

You knew he could be 

Your love planted a seed 

And only time will tell what kind of tree 

It turns out to be 

Strong solid 

fruit bearing

Shade giving 

Tire swing holding

Deeply rooted 

Or barren and weak

Breaking with each season 

Avoiding admiration.

Lacking, real connection

Hiding in surface level activation

But your days of tending

To that garden

Have come to an end 

And you have to let him try his hand

At maintaining

What you both started growing

Inside his spiritual,awakening

He will overcome his fear of rejection 

He will learn to love his reflection 

And he will blossom open 

When its his time

But this time built for you 

is now ending 

Releasing without resentment 

is so freeing 

And that my girl is true love

Unconditional 

Powerful

Legendary love 

That never dies

But transforms

And changes the world

Walk forward knowing 

Everything will be ok 

Maybe not today 

But soon 

C'est la vie

One day

your hauntings 

will make me smile

The Sting 

will grow into a sigh

Sometimes I get scared 

it was never real

The chase was a game 

The foundation uneven 

The promises

an under cooked meal 

But out of the noise

In the quiet of our connection

I see you

Sitting on the shore

With waves lightly lapping 

Gently like tears falling 

From that soft spot in your soul

The part you keep hidden 

The place I live in

Innocence in a bell jar 

I hold it up to my ear

Like a seashell

And I hear you

Whispering 

How much you love me

You didn't want to leave me 

But it was time to go 

I forgive you

And I release you 

This is my closure