an honest confession from a broken heart

I wish you had been 

welcomed 

Into this world

With hands strong enough to hold you 

Instead of empty rooms

Television screens 

And figures that only looked down 

I wish you had been loved 

While that word was still just syllables rolling around your mouth like marbles 

Your own special language

Only a mother understands 

I wish you had been spoken to with pride 

Built up with the truth

You struggle so hard to wear comfortably

Like clothes that are too tight 

Or too itchy

I wish you had more affection

More attention 

More eyes on your heart 

than a highschool class 

frog dissection

Someone to teach you 

You deserve to have your little hands 

Guided in the right direction 

Towards self reflection 

Its ok to make mistakes 

To spill the milk 

Love doesn't change when you disappoint 

It stands firmly beside you 

with grace 

While you slowly stand on your two feet 

After running away 

to that lonely place 

You go when you think 

you're not enough 

It caresses the sting 

It soothes the ego 

The lighthouse that steers 

your ship home 

I wish you had been taught how extraordinary

Your presence feels 

How your touch 

can regulate someones 

Nervous system 

How your weight 

can calm a panicking bird 

How your body 

can teach a weary heart to beat 

How your words are promises 

And the impact of spitting them out 

With no anchor 

Can be the reason the titanic sinks 

I wish you had been loved 

with the force of a thousand hearts 

like mine 

So I could understand 

The fears that pollute your well 

and muddy your mind 

The roots that poisoned this connection 

The origin story 

That made the man I love 

Hate himself so 

I wish you had been loved so tenderly

Meeting me felt like coming home 

And instead of fearing the loss 

To the point of sabotage

You stayed 

And we played

Like the old children we are 

Fun house mirrors 

That show us only the truth 

If we're brave enough to look 

fire inspection ( faulty penguin)

I see your ghost 

At the end of aisle 2

Reaching for the kisses I Blew 

And I would have never knew

That behind the beaming smile 

You were planning 

on running a mile 

In the opposite direction of me 

And that's what makes it hard to see.

That you really loved me 

The push and pull 

The tug o'war 

The confusion that came 

with all the moves you made forward 

Because the second you were in, 

you were out,

After you asked to move in,

Gave me A ring 

A picture of us as a family in a frame.

A donut that said be mine 

And it always happens 

first thing in the morning

While I'm in my housecoat, 

drinking my coffee.

Decompressing

You say you don't wanna fight.

Then, proceed to burst in

Severing our connection 

in a fit of panic and anxiety 

like the house is on fire 

and you're scrambling to gather 

your favorite belongings. 

And I watch like a neighbor 

Unbothered by the flames

I don't feel the heat 

that makes you unable to take a seat

If you'd only be able to tell me 

what you were feeling, 

it would be such a treat

Because it's hard to believe 

you actually wanted to leave

But maybe it was only me 

that was enjoying 

The growth

The involving 

The new roots 

breaking thru the toxic soil 

Of the past 

And the trauma 

That kept me trapped 

From becoming a woman,

I desperately wanted to be

Not for you

But for me 

Showing affection

Accepting attention

Laughing and dancing,

Being in love 

And not hiding my feelings

So I'm Left in a burning house

That took five years to build

Looking for the flames.

That drove you insane,

A Nihilist Penguin

Ghostbusters

I need to make peace 

with the silence 

The stillness 

The stones

I need to make a home 

A coven 

Protection

Within these bones 

I want to welcome 

abundance

Of all forms 

I met the woman I wanted to be 

She stood behind the mirror

And she danced with me 

Look at what we can be 

Blowing kisses from the aisle 

Not at all hiding the smile 

Reveling in the joys 

of being in love 

She became me 

And now we both see 

Showing happiness can be safe 

Even if it make him change 

He carried the fear for free

And it consumed him completely

He might know how to ghost 

But no one haunts better than me 

Unintentionally 

everything to nothing (silver ship)

I was loved 

so tremendously

It became nothing 

Collapsed on itself

Like a wormhole

I hope he remembers 

how my hands 

felt In his 

How i licked my favorite spots 

I hope he feels me at night

While he watches the moon from his truck 

I hope I surface through the noise 

He overdoses in 

Amd he thinks of me 

When he needs to stay calm 

A lighthouse 

An anchor

An eternal open palm 

A widow at the window 

Calling the lost sailor home 

midnight party (item list complete)

I don't know why I thought

You'd crack 

I underestimate 

your tact

The ice that coats 

your back 

Like quills 

Its not about what we lack 

Its how we struggle 

with our scars 

How we carry 

what isnt ours 

Why i feel guilty 

for being seen 

And you think you know 

what that means 

But it isnt yours to 

help wipe clean 

Letting others do their work is hard 

Especially if you see 

the missing part 

The piece of the puzzle 

That fell under the table 

And the others are just 

jammed together 

In an effort to seem like 

everything's better 

But the picture is only distorted

Its little me having anxiety 

over building the fort 

Because after everything 

It doesn't last 

Eventually it gets put back 

And we lie in our beds 

With our hands on our heads 

Missing what we built 

What we had 

What we willingly broke down 

Like nothing ever happened

The world seems the same 

A natural disaster cleaned up.

But the earth still holds the pain

It bubbles up when it rains

Oh how I miss you some days

But something needed to change

And the hardest part is 

you're still in range

The new you 

Blasting angry beats

Wearing dark hoodies

Darting on your feet

Like an outsider on our street

I don't know this version

But I hope if we ever do meet

You smile for no reason

I hope you melt with the season

I wish only the best for the best 

It may seems impossible 

But you can beat this test

The living lettuce

Was the last item needed

And you succeeded. 

So you're on to your next level 

But I can stay sitting on your shoulder

The angel to your devil

the midnight party in your heart 

The limb you can still feel 

Even when we're apart

And I can love you forever 

Because that's the easy part

bad girl (sugar lips)

When i was little 

I took a jellybean 

from a stranger 

Stained my tongue 

black 

With shame 

Dizzy with innocence 

Dumb with sugar lips

The good girl 

Doing the right things

Wearing the gold stars 

For pleasuring a grown man 

Smack me on the back of the head 

Watch that posion fly out of me 

Easter prayer

I am what men want 

But do not have 

the capacity to hold

So like a butterfly in a net

I flutter to make them feel safe 

prisoners of their insecurity

Chained by their inability 

to see their worth 

The gold they hold in their hands 

Falls down the cracks

And togther we dance 

in this Hell

This slow stunted cage 

That drains us of blood

And leaves us attacking eachother 

I don't want to be a sad girl anymore.

I want to love openly 

With arms big enough 

To hold all of me 

I sit with every scary scenario

Parading in front of me 

Like drunk Dumbo 

All the possibilities

All the loss 

I've let love go before 

And withered at the window

waiting for its return 

I have nothing left

To let you consume

No bait to bring you home

Just confusion 

Just concern 

Pure heart puree spread on rye toast

Today the day of miracles

I pray my soul can learn to love again 

Rise up from the tomb

Roll away the stone love 

help me bury these bones 

These beautiful reminders

That together we can grow 

peaceful Saturday

A Saturday morning 

Crying into my coffee 

Because there's so much beauty 

In the lessons at my feet

If Synchronicity had a face

It would be marilyn monroe's 

And despite everything

I am so grateful 

for what the universe had to take 

An observer of a classic ballet

The delicate tip of the toe  

And the strength that lives inside 

Like a trojan horse 

My purpose requires sacrifice

But its coming together

Like a parade in the street

And I watch it 

Finally standing straight

With my hands warm in my pockets 

my face looking up at the sun 

Not every poem has to rhyme 

Not every poem has to be for someone 

Sometimes the dust settles 

Around the reflection in the mirror

And for a moment

We see who we are 

And we greet ourselves 

with unconditional love 

I am almost home 

I am almost at peace 

Black

I think its time to let you go 

Sitting on the back step 

Ritual in place 

I attempted to conjure you 

Tonight

Beside the burning bush 

Where you appeared before 

I offered up an eruption of tears

And the ashes of my joint 

For one more moment with you

But I was left with spring sadness 

Snow covered stains of defeat 

Hope bleed out of the horizon  

No sightings of your ghost 

Under this full moon in Libra 

I release my connection to you 

I want to apologize for not saying 

I love you back on the phone 

That was my old pattern 

And for my sick joking 

about this was not your home

It was incredibly insensitive 

You were everything 

I wanted you to be 

You just weren't ready for me 

I wish you always the best 

Remember to rest

And keep braving the test 

One day this will all make sense 

Black 

I give up

My magic cant bring you back 

TIME TURNER

The eternal optimist in me 

never dies

Kind of blows my mind 

the way she keeps this hope alive 

If we made a voodoo doll of you 

She'd hold it gently at night 

Spooned in the glow of her curves 

Tucked in a tender pocket of our heart 

She'd give you all the patience 

in the world 

If would soothe the storm inside 

Sing you lullabies 

Run fingers through your hair 

And tell you to come home

there are no monsters to fear  

I hope you let yourself be happy 

I hope you dont let her down 

Because she burns bright 

Like a light house in the night 

Her curtain is never drawn