Foreshadow

I miss you today 

But this is what you wanted 

And I'm beginning to accept

I"ll never know why 

Who you were to me 

Maybe never existed

Outside this bubble we made 

The firmament above us 

Ive had my heart broke before 

Lived in an empty nest 

Surrounded by less than I thought I had 

But the silence you paint 

Really takes the cake 

Did I ever even know who you are? 

I dream about you 

With other women 

Your face somber 

Your heart ice 

But your eyes always burn right into mine 

Like a secret begging to be exposed 

Like a child wanting to be seen

And that's the detail that sticks the most 

The shape that keeps its form

When everything else is fuzzy

Like that day in the kitchen

A few weeks before everything changed

When talking about sharing your feelings.

You looked me right in the eye 

and said "I cant" 

And I just wasn't paying attention 

To the weight of that admission  

The cost of your love 

Reading between the lines 

Decoding the meaning 

It was always there

Foreshadowing 

Casting call

This loss is heavy 

It sits of my chest 

Like an anvil 

It clutches my shoulder 

Like a loyal vulture 

It haunts the rooms in my heart 

Like a childhood toy

I can't quite remember 

But can't forget 

Your name echoes 

Each time stabs like a dull dart

I've loved three men

Each worthy in their own skin 

But they fought the connection

Make an exorcism forcing out sin

Bubbling to the surface 

All the trauma attached from kin

Like anchors on our feet

We learned to dance 

Despite the fins 

Maneuvering over machinery

Leaping around the mess 

And smiling through a storm

Became pleasing 

It was when we stood 

in the eye of it

Together 

Face to face

That it became 

Uneasy 

When you would step up on the podium

And the mouth that would kiss me

So passionately

Stayed empty.

You had nothing to say 

The script got tossed away

You retired from the play

moved on to the next project

And I sit in the empty auditorium

Examining the program

Waiting for a standing ovation

That never comes

chapter 4

I stand at the edge 

Of the reality I created 

I dug this grave 

My hands are still dirty 

Feeling like an apple

Examined 

and put back on the shelf 

When all the shiny ones 

are leaving 

I may not be where I want to be 

But theres something here 

Something Delicately hidden 

I survived losing brakes mid drive so

Im choosing to believe 

there's meaning 

In everything falling apart 

In what the universe 

is gradually 

revealing 

Lovers reversed (strawberry daiquiri)

I knew how it ended before 

It was in that tarot card 

I pulled on new years eve....

That day isnt your birthday anymore 

Its just a regular holiday 

For me 

Afterglow

Sitting with you

On the Back door step  

Laughing about how 

the headlights look like faces 

on the cars  

I make intentional finger grazes 

on the smoke we share 

hover longer than I should 

Our bodies are close

Enough to feel the hum 

of our energies syncing 

The neon glow in the sign 

You try so hard to be cool 

But I can burn you with ease 

And I laugh louder than I should 

Crickets and humidity 

with a breeze 

It feels right 

In this Light

This afterglow

What i would do 

to go back to that 

No ego 

No ghosts

No stone walls 

Just hope

And silly looking cars 

conversation with my higher self part 2

Why does everyone always leave? 

I can't go thorough this again 

I feel so blindsighted and discarded

So foolish for believing he was different

Everything you're feeling is valid

Allow it to flow through your veins 

You are so brave 

You have been on a long journey

And heartbreak is part of the path 

But it hasn't hardened you 

There is no ice encasing your heart 

Love is never certain 

It's a gamble we take with another 

And you loved him with everything you had 

Despite the wounds you carry 

You should be proud of that 

I want to let go but I don't know how 

This is how it always goes

He gets overwhelmed and flees

I give him space, and he comes back to me.

But this time its different 

This time he's gone 

And i don't know how to move on 

Its going to be ok sweet girl 

There is no right way to heal a heart 

You love in a profound way 

Not only do you love the person 

but you fall for the potential

You see underneath the mask 

and love the parts they hide 

Because they mirror the hurt in you 

You want to grow together 

and you dedicate yourself to that task 

You give chance after chance 

because you believe in your partner

You don’t give up because thats what you want from another 

The little girl who had to prove herself 

Wants someone to stay

So those fears go away

But self worth is not found that way 

So you're mourning many things at once

And thats overwhelming

Be gentle with yourself 

It may not feel like it

But you ARE overcoming 

It kills to be left in this silence

Where all the what's ifs echo so loud 

After 5 years I deserve a conversation

My best friend, my constant, my world 

Just walked out 

And its all so confusing 

What was really going on 

Inside his head, on his part

Because the last couple months 

Were the best in my heart 

I was opening up and bridging the gap

I was showing affection 

Without that layer of shame 

Making me feel undeserving 

I was accepting and believing compliments

Without denying them away

I was living without the shadow of fear 

Not worrying about the future

Being present in what's real 

It was only getting stronger 

I was emerging from my cocoon

A butterfly for real 

The woman he wanted me to be

The woman he saw under the mask 

The woman I knew I was if I dropped the energic traps 

I carry from others insecurities

Then you did your part 

You grew 

You loved 

The rest is out of your control 

You looked in the mirror he held up 

And you recognized yourself 

Take comfort in that 

Its hard to sit in the truth of who we truly are 

You accept every part 

The light pieces and the dark

The trauma and the innocence 

The wrong and the right 

You learned the art of forgiveness

You allowed yourself to open up

You allowed yourself to accept help.

You allowed yourself to feel love

And believe you deserve it

That is the lesson my love 

And just because he didn't follow you 

Does not mean you failed

He wasn"t ready to look at himself 

But the love you share will remain 

Underneath 

Be thankful for all you gave each other 

because deep down, you know he won't forget you.

First love stains the heart 

Paint the walls inside a permanent shade.

And he will continue decorating and building around that tone 

Your presence 

Your memory 

Your influence

Will live there forever

Your love gave him an incredible foundation.

And what he builds on top of it 

Is now his decision 

The same way he left a mark on your heart

One day you'll be able to smile at the relics 

Remembering the good

letting all the rest fade away.

But What happens now 

In this painful calm

In the unknown dark 

In God's open palm 

I'm afraid 

To be alone 

You feel it 

You cry 

You write 

You sigh

You have heavy days

Downpours and storms 

But you also get rainbows 

And new things start to form 

Everything happens for a reason.

Even if you can't see it 

happening behind the curtain

Live in your authenticity

And watch what new energies come in 

It won't happen overnight.

And that's the hardest part

The waiting for yourself to catch up

But be gentle with your heart

Don't force it 

Don't distract it

Don't avoid it. 

Instead sit with yourself

Look it in the eyes

Do the things you love

Be curious about the feelings that surface

But always forgive yourself

Be confident in your growth

And know somewhere out there

Is someone that matches your frequency

When the dust settles

They'll emerge from the rubble

Happiness awaits on the other side 

of this trouble.

We are only given obstacles

We know we can overcome

Because ultimately, you chose this

And the contract you signed is done 

So you haven't failed anyone 

And it may be hard to hear

But neither has he 

You both perfected the steps to the dance

You were learning

And now it 's time to leave

The bar is closing 

The lights are coming on 

and your eyes are readjusting

And just because he's not 

where are you left him 

Does it mean he didn't learn a lesson

And I know you're uncomfortable 

Because conflict is uncertain 

But deep down, he's hurting.

And learning discernment 

And you have to let him 

That's your part of the agreement 

So hold on to him in your heart

And pray that he eventually plays his part

And grows into the man

You knew he could be 

Your love planted a seed 

And only time will tell what kind of tree 

It turns out to be 

Strong solid 

fruit bearing

Shade giving 

Tire swing holding

Deeply rooted 

Or barren and weak

Breaking with each season 

Avoiding admiration.

Lacking, real connection

Hiding in surface level activation

But your days of tending

To that garden

Have come to an end 

And you have to let him try his hand

At maintaining

What you both started growing

Inside his spiritual,awakening

He will overcome his fear of rejection 

He will learn to love his reflection 

And he will blossom open 

When its his time

But this time built for you 

is now ending 

Releasing without resentment 

is so freeing 

And that my girl is true love

Unconditional 

Powerful

Legendary love 

That never dies

But transforms

And changes the world

Walk forward knowing 

Everything will be ok 

Maybe not today 

But soon 

C'est la vie

One day

your hauntings 

will make me smile

The Sting 

will grow into a sigh

Sometimes I get scared 

it was never real

The chase was a game 

The foundation uneven 

The promises

an under cooked meal 

But out of the noise

In the quiet of our connection

I see you

Sitting on the shore

With waves lightly lapping 

Gently like tears falling 

From that soft spot in your soul

The part you keep hidden 

The place I live in

Innocence in a bell jar 

I hold it up to my ear

Like a seashell

And I hear you

Whispering 

How much you love me

You didn't want to leave me 

But it was time to go 

I forgive you

And I release you 

This is my closure 

3 timelines (sleeping beauty)

3 version of me 

Each in a casket 

Various stages 

of decay

My awareness

Eats away 

the flesh 

Exposes the truth 

bones that connect

To the core

Who am I really?

What do I stand for?

Each of these women

Wanted to be chosen 

And they tugged at their frame 

To fit into the spaces 

That were already claimed

by othets shame 

I wore your trauma

Regardless of the size 

Because if someone could see me 

Underneath the bulk

Everything I believed about myself 

Would be smoothed away 

Like my father sanding wood

Like my mother turning away 

Like my first love bashing my face

Like my twin flame 

chasing the dragon 

Like my soulmate 

going completely silent 

Like my worlds crashing and colliding

Understanding the reason 

Is the saddest epiphany

I've ever ended up receiving

Like a child in a toy store pouting 

The universe is not giving 

And knowing requires action 

What i've wanted 

I'm just not getting 

The things I dreamed of 

Are slowly changing 

It is the end 

And yet a new beginning 

Like a bear resisting 

the end of hibernation

I stand still

Knowing fully well 

I need to move forward

Sleeping beauty isnt waking 

40 days and 40 nights

Conversations need to be windows

That peek open 

so curiosity can sneak in 

A friendly intruder in the night

Not a door that slams closed 

when something said hurts 

Like a sudden burn

A hot potato dropped in the sink

A mad dash of cold water over the wound.

Sometimes we need to sit with the pain

And ask it questions. 

Pick its brain,

Understand that feelings are not facts

And a train built upon its tracks,

Will topple over,

Sometimes my fears need to be soothed by your reassurance.

Your take 

Your perspective

I spent so much time holding myself back

To make you feel safe to come forward

That the distance between us

Feels like a power game

I only wanted to be easy to love 

But I made myself so small

there was nothing left of me 

To embrace

I told you once that I finally understood why we need to do healing 

before moving on with someone else.

There's a level of intimacy required for reflection 

that makes it feel 

like we're in a love triangle 

with our trauma. 

And I thought by over explaining 

and being consistent

You'd stop holding up a mirror for me 

and face the one I held up to you 

I wanted to ride this elevator with you

But somehow you got off 

on the wrong floor a long time ago

And some spoiled brat 

pressed all the buttons at once

Sitting on my hands 

while you make dating profiles

25 paces from me

Is one of the hardest things I'll ever do

But control no matter how well intended

is still control

And maybe I need to stop stalling the consequence 

of losing this

In exchange for you finding yourself

Maybe that's the cost

Of loving you

Nurturing, a broken wing

Before setting it free

Maybe getting lost in a crowd

is the only way you'll recognize me.

Maybe a story can have multiple endings.

Maybe what feels like failure is really 

Leveling up one adventure at a time

You said there was only one key 

to open your lock

But maybe there was no lock 

for me to turn

Maybe the cage you're in is self imposed

The house is on fire and you're choosing to burn

Maybe the answers lie in the unknown 

In the difference between 

A rock and a stone 

ingredients

I want you to be happy

But I want you to be mine 

I choke on my heart 

And the next moment I'm fine 

Im not cowering this time 

I look your window square in the face 

But nothing reveals 

In the space underneath

Red cars make my heart stop 

And the days move slow 

yet steady 

One day ill be gracious 

enough

To meet your gaze 

And feel like I'm returning home 

One day you'll see 

the love we had 

Was not just sticks and stones 

But two people 

aching to be seen 

In equal measure 

The space in between 

Where needs and wants bleed together 

In a way that fills a canvas clean 

And the art 

stops strangers on the street 

A patchwork quilt 

A stamp collection 

All the best parts of the men 

Ive grown from 

ALL the ingredients that make me 

The woman I am 

Phantom X

Today is a hard day. 

Thoughts inch like glaciers.

Tectonic plates 

moving in slow motion

I'm his Phantom ex 

In my dreams 

he leaves me letters

But reality is stone deaf 

And as time passes

It becomes easier to hold on

To what matters most

The good 

The love

The soft

We might not have moved mountains

But we had fun sliding down the hill

Hand in hand

Chest against chest 

Lips on my neck

I keep those pieces

Tight in my fist

Hoping they won't disappear.

Like the moths 

I try to catch 

fire alarm ( ambivalence)

The silence of a empty home 

An empty heart 

No footsteps behind yours 

In the snow 

I was once a child 

Who followed the rules 

Because being good 

Meant she was seen 

Yet invisible 

Safe yet abandoned 

Loved yet neglected.

Having my needs met 

Means the house is on fire 

shame on you (Discontinued scent)

Tell me about the shame 

Is it heavy 

Does it press you down 

Render you emotionless 

A lone cold cube in a beverage

A shapeless stranger in a dive bar

Rubbing his fingers together

While eating an appetizer

Lighting his smokes far too long 

Looking at me with that stoic peripheral Stare

How it makes me laugh 

The joke we turned out to be 

Your worst delivery yet

This even tops the leek 

I warm myself by burning our dreams 

In the spot we lived 

The shadows we used to inhabit 

Every word you spit with love

Every gift of expansion

that somehow made you smaller 

Every lie wearing gold 

As a distraction

Bet you hoped with all you had 

That I wouldn't see your true form 

Do you try to snap me back

Do you look for angel numbers 

Do you remember my smell 

As hard as you try 

To deny

The pillow is sniffed dry

And there are no more 

replacements

This sad pathetic truth 

We had it all wrong 

It was actually that 

I was never your person 

And you knew all along 

28 days later

I don't like being in the eye of the storm

The in-between 

Where the dirt is still fresh 

on a fortnight 

But not yet packed down 

on the path ahead 

Footsteps going nowhere 

And yet everywhere  

2 versions of us living at once 

Eerily still waters that lay before us 

The dangerous parts hidden

We hold our breath and forget to count 

Not knowing if you're asleep at the post 

Or if you"re standing guard like me 

A hawk on a branch 

A selfish selfless king 

Someone you used to love 

A figure on a swing 

end credit (part deux)

Sitting in the theater

Hesitating 

Heard there"s a post credit 

Contemplating

Do I sit and wait 

A thinned out room 

It seems foolish to stay 

Really Wish I knew 

blood moon (surrender and release...snap)

You were right 

The cheesecake was hard to get 

Took me 4 trips 

Each disappointment doubled 

Sad for my loss times two 

Some days just don't seem right

A surreal universe 

Where you don't love me 

And I don't love you 

Singing on the drive to the beach 

Playing in the water like kids 

There were attempted fireworks and 

Turbulence of course 

But it never felt hopeless

A sunset in a bitchy mood

But there was always the sunrise 

To look forward to 

A gentle space 

We slip back into

Coffee with lots of cream

And the program resumes 

Sending you my love,

My love 

On this Virgo full moon 

May we both surrender 

Lower our weapons 

And let our lives truly begin 

I'll always find my way back to you 

Its written in blood 

6 stones in a ring